I’ve never shared this thought with anyone and in fact just today finally had the courage to voice it out loud to my husband, which gave me the confidence to share it on here…
I feel though like I should first disclose that I absolutely LOVE and feel so blessed to be given the opportunity to be a parent and that even in those moments of exhaustion and frustration I am so thankful to God that we have our little tiny love. I think that’s pretty evident too in the posts I’ve shared about our daughter. That being said, I have had moments where I wonder if I maybe lack some kind of sensitivity chip or if I got a low dose of that “motherly instinct” because the thought has passed my mind on occasion that I think “what the f&%$ did I get myself into?!”
Now honestly people, am I the only one that feels this way? God knows none of my mommy friends have ever shared with me that they’ve had this thought and that’s what sometimes makes me wonder about that whole thing about the sensitivity chip/motherly instinct. It’s true, I have had that “wtf” thought, but does that make me a less than good parent? I don’t think so.
And when I shared this with my husband today, he made a good point. He said that it may be I sometimes have that thought because this is the biggest responsibility I’ve ever undertaken as a woman, and I have to say I agree. I mean, being a mom is one of those things where, and yes I know some women will do the opposite, but where you can’t just easily give up on the responsibility. It’s not as simple as if you don’t like your career you can choose paths, or you want to end an unhealthy relationship/friendship and you can just turn and walk away. This is another little human being, completely dependent on you, that we’re talking about and it is a huge responsibility, like none I have ever experienced, and I’ve experienced some pretty tough situations.
The thing is NOTHING in the world could have prepared me for the enormous responsibility of being a mom. Not all the desire of wanting to be a mom, or the talks with various people, or the countless classes, or the books I came across here and there. Nothing. One of the biggest lessons I learned after becoming a mom was how little I understood during my own “pre-mommy time” of what my mommy friends had been/were going through. Many of my mommy friends have agreed with me on this one, and it’s made me realize just really how clueless I was when I believed to have been listening and understanding what they were sharing with me “pre-my baby” time. I think that was one of the most humbling moments for me and sharing one on one with my mommy friends how little I knew back then what they were going through.
Which brings me back to that taboo thought. My husband reminded me that the beauty of our thoughts is that they aren’t fixed and they don’t define who we are, which I also believe. Because while I may have (and will probably continue to have) that “what the f&%$ was I thinking” moment, it doesn’t define me entirely as a mom and it doesn’t change how much I love our baby and how thankful to God I am to have this sweet little blessing.