I would love to say that yesterday I didn’t fall victim to the rush of the holidays but unfortunately that wasn’t the case at all. In all honesty, I shouldn’t really blame the the rush of the holidays either because it wasn’t that, it was more of a rush with time and myself.
This is one area of my life where I am definitely a work in progress and where practicing meditation comes into play. I tend to get a little scatter brained at times and just too many thoughts make their way around my mind. This is where my husband becomes such a beautiful balance for me. He introduced me to meditation back in August when we both signed up at Zen Center of Orange County (ZCOC). Since sitting in silence isn’t exactly my thing, my experience that first month was a bit of torture, to say the least, and I thought to myself, this kind of practice is going to drive me a little crazy and decided to bail – um, correction, take some time off. But a funny thing happened, I realized I did need it. I need a place and environment that leaves me no choice but to sit still and in silence and just relax with myself, recognize the frenzy of thoughts going around in my mind, and letting them go.
Yesterday evening was one of our practices and it was a difficult one for me. I was in a busy state of mind and so I had to work extra hard to make sure to just sit still with my breathing and taking in one moment at a time. What gives me hope is that atleast I am not feeling the anxiety that went through my body the very first time I did a 30 minute sitting. I don’t think I had ever experienced anxiety like that before, where I was so uncomfortably aware of every restless sensation in my body and even thought of getting up and bolting out of the room. Thankfully my will power was stronger. Unfortunately though, sometimes the other alternative is that I inevitably end up dozing off for just a little bit while I’m sitting there. I guess I could say I’m in such a state of relaxation that I’ve managed to put myself to sleep but, well, we all know that isn’t the case or the point of meditation 😉
Last night I realized that this process takes time, and that yes, there will be instances when I will allow my emotions to get the best of me, and yet I know there is hope in practicing and being aware because that’s what helps me to see where it is that I need to improve. I need to allow my body that time to heal and to feel all the different emotions because only then can I be aware and know where I’m heading and give my practice and myself the respect of space and time.
I look forward to our next sitting tomorrow…