So I’ve decided to start seeing a therapist. That sounds so official, like I’ve entered into a new relationship, lol…well in a way I guess I have.
Okay, momentary pause so that my friends/family who may (or may not) be reading this can take in the fact that yes, I did just say, I’m seeing a therapist.
Honestly it’s too bad that the minute someone says they have a therapist it’s usually followed by the other person thinking, or (if they’re courageous enough) asking “why, what’s wrong with you?” Or, when you mention to someone that it might be a good idea for them to seek the help of a therapist/counselor they respond back with a solid “No, I’m not crazy!”. Well, neither am I, and yet here I am. Why? Because sometimes it just becomes necessary/good/healthy/helpful to get a different perspective. You know, to be able to share your thoughts/concerns with someone that is unbiased/neutral, especially if you go into this with the full intention of being honest. Which I hope to do.
So the thing that brought me into the big chair has mostly to do with my relationship with my dad and wanting to get some insight from a different perspective. I wasn’t sure what to expect the first day I walked in to my appointment and little did I know that the lady I met wasn’t going to be my assigned therapist (it’s too bad because she was real nice), she was sort of the middle person, there to listen to what brought me in (more on that later) and give me the scoop on how their department works (thank you insurance), basically the ABC’s. After hearing me out she scheduled me for my first “official” session, which would be in two weeks. The day after though I ended up having to call and reschedule the appointment, and as God would have it, they had an opening that same day later in the afternoon.
So there I was waiting to be called in, and yes, I couldn’t help but wonder what brought the other people in that were sitting in the waiting room with me. After my therapist arrived, greeted me, and I took a seat in her office I almost giggled when she just looked at me expectantly and the first thought that flitted through my mind was Oh, I guess I’m supposed to start this. Like I said, I have no idea how this works, I think I was expecting some Q&A’s or something. So I started off with sharing about my dad and the distrust issues that have been lingering around for a few months now. I won’t go into all the details now because this post would end up ridiculously long, but from what I was able to share she did mention some things that I hadn’t thought about.
You see for the past few weeks I had been playing with the thought in my head that I needed to sit down with my dad and talk to him about these distrust issues that I have (and they aren’t just based on heresay but solid facts), but it gets a little tricky because I’ve realized that my dad is quite good at manipulating things and lying. Well Donna (my therapist) suggested that if it was important to me to talk with him, to figure out first what my goal is. Because if my goal is to dig out the truth, I may end up at a dead end because I may not get the truth. Or is my goal to turn detective, and am I ready to invest that much energy (plus that isn’t really healthy) and find out something I maybe don’t want to find out?
Hmmm…good points. I have to admit that yes, my intention at first was more confrontational (blush), to dig out the truth, like I’m onto you and I won’t be fooled. But Donna mentioned something healthier and that would perhaps bring me more peace of mind…that my goal could be just to let him know where I stand, that I have distrust issues because of conversations I’ve heard (directly from him), and that I’m not okay with his choices/decisions. At the end of the day though, I can’t change who he chooses to be and what he chooses to do. And ultimately, if who he chooses to be doesn’t affect me directly and how I function as a wife/mom, then it’s best to just let it go, because it’s not something I can change. Plus, I had mentioned to Donna that I’m torn at times between the good my dad does do and those choices he makes that I don’t agree with and Donna mentioned something I need to realize is accepting the good and bad about my dad. It’s a sticky subject and one that requires more insight on my part, but I do feel though that accepting who he is as a whole is a good start.
One last thing that I was able to share with Donna before our time ran out was the overwhelming emotions I’ve felt since becoming a mom, how new this is to me, and I literally gave her an emphatic “I had no idea what to expect!!” At which point we both burst out laughing, especially because she has two young children so she can completely understand.
All in all it was a good experience and I’m looking forward to our next meetup in a couple of weeks.