This past week has been a difficult one for me, and the more I tried to figure out what was at the core of some of my thoughts and how I was feeling I realized the recurring theme that came to my mind was guilt. I have been full of guilt this week.
Today is the Pasadena Triathlon that I signed up for a couple months ago and earlier this week I made the decision to not participate in it and despite the fact that I know this was the right decision to make, I am still filled with guilt, and I feel like somehow I have failed. To begin with, my training in these two months has been pretty mediocre. The only thing I managed to do was run, but even that wasn’t consistent, and I managed to get on a bike once and visited a swimming pool zero times. Not exactly the best recipe for doing well in a Triathlon. Then our little one got sick this week and there was a few nights where her and I didn’t get much sleep and eventually I ended up getting sick. And I kept thinking to myself, is this enough reason not to do the Triathlon? I feel guilty for making my decision, even though I know my body aches and I’m fighting this cold, I feel bad for not having completed this challenge, even though realistically I know this was the right thing to do. And then came the clincher and I had to laugh because yesterday as I was walking our bulldog Biggie and probably having some more guilt filled thoughts I suddenly felt this pinch on my lower back. And the more I walked Biggie the more I felt this little tug and I thought, oh no, please don’t let me pull some kind of muscle. And I laughed and thought to myself, okay, yes God, I get it, I made the right choice by not doing this Triathlon, please don’t throw in a pulled muscle just for good measure. So now I’m being extra cautious in my movements because as it turns out my lower back is on a teeter totter of deciding whether or not to lock on me.
But back to this guilt thing. I know that I can’t be super woman or super mom, and honestly it’s not even something I want to strive for. When I think of those images the thing that comes to mind is stress and anxiety (this is another great post topic for another day). But then this is the thing…why do I feel guilty when in any given day let’s say I’ve been working, taking care of baby, then studying and trying to keep up with school, and housework, and then suddenly when I finally throw myself on the couch for 20 minutes just to zone out the world I feel guilty, like I should be using that time to cook or doing something. Why?
I tend to be pretty optimistic or at least I’m not the kind of person to just mope around and dwell on negative thoughts, even if they do pop up more often than I’d like. I know today will be a nice day, whatever lies ahead, but just for this moment I had to give this guilt it’s space and time because I need to come to terms with it and be at peace and understand it.