The other day I had a friend from HS remind me of a dream I once had. This friend said to me “I remember you talking about writing a novel. what ever happened to that endeavor?”
When I read those words I was so surprised and I got a little choked up. For one, because my friend was reminding me of something I had shared when we were in High School. Something I didn’t even remember having shared with this friend. I couldn’t believe I had shared this, because this dream of mine was not something I shared often and the fact that they remembered and that they thought of asking me about it so many years after just took me aback a little. And it got me choked up because it reminded me of something so special to me, a passion that I used to feel so sure and strong about that I would do one day. I would write a novel. And I wonder, when did I let fear get in the way of me pursuing that and when did I let fear prevent me from sharing and really exploring and practicing something that I have always loved? This love of writing and expressing myself through words.
I try to be as honest as I can when I write here, but I know that there are times when I write with a filter, when I’m just a little afraid of sounding dumb or just spilling out nonsense. That a random visitor stopping for the first time will read a few lines and shake their head and quickly click elsewhere to get away from what I’m sharing. I let fear settle in too much.
I was thinking about how I haven’t posted in a bit and I was browsing through my Reader when I came across a post by a fellow blogger that I follow, The Clear Parent, and her post about her Summer Reading List 2014 caught my eye. I was going off of the titles and I liked one called This Is The Story of a Happy Marriage by Ann Patchett and so I looked it up on Amazon books. As I started to read the description of her book I got that choked up feeling all over again. It’s what got me thinking about the question my friend had brought up. Because Ann Patchett’s book is about her “deepest commitments – to writing, family, friends, dogs, books, and her husband” it’s a portrait of a life and her world. And I thought to myself, why can’t I let go of my fears and explore my own deepest commitments and really allow myself to dive into this passion of writing and not be afraid of what I will end up sharing, but instead truly exploring the depths of my love for writing and letting it take me on the path it’s meant to go…perhaps a path that leads me to the very dream I’ve always had!
It’s because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of taking this path and realizing that it’s all been a joke and failing. But then I think…if I’m so afraid to try, so afraid to explore it…that’s even worse than failing. And I get very sentimental when I truly allow myself to look into the depths of my passions and dreams because I realize I’m opening up a door of uncertainty and that I’m currently hiding behind what I’m comfortable and familiar with when it comes to sharing my writing…but I don’t want to keep doing that. God gave me something that I know I love so much, expressing myself through writing, and whether I’m amazing or not at it, I think it’s worth me at least letting that passion truly blossom and flourish instead of holding it back because of the fear I’ve built over the years.
I pray that this is a breakthrough for me today and that I can begin to really tap into my passion and allow it to grow.