I should be sleeping but I can’t. I feel a mixture of restlessness and anxiety. Plus I just can’t seem to find a comfortable position – this of course has much to do with the fact that I’m now 7 months pregnant. I know, it’s bad that it’s taken me until now to share this very happy and exciting news. But this post is not about my pregnancy.
I woke up from this odd dream about thirty minutes ago, and I blame it for the fact I can’t fall back asleep because it triggered other thoughts.
I was driving my car and as I was turning right I suddenly had no car anymore and I was at a standstill in the middle of the road. Ahead of me I could see a long wide residential street. The kind that is immaculately lined with beautiful green trees. But it was a wide street with about 4 lanes, not common at all for a residential street. There were no other cars around me but I decided it was a good idea to get out of the center of the street and walk along the right side of the path of trees down this long road. I don’t know where I was going and I was alone. So I called my mom and began to explain to her what was happening, when these dogs began to bark and she couldn’t hear me. I wanted desperately for her to stay on the line with me because as I saw the end of the street I felt like things were getting unfamiliar and there were some young men at the end of the road. They didn’t look menacing but my mom couldn’t stay on the line with me because she couldn’t hear me. As I got closer to the end I saw that the group of guys were like youth mentors and they were going through a workout routine with some young high school kids. Then I woke up.
My mom and dad fly out to Mexico City this morning for a 5 day trip to celebrate Dia De Los Muertos (Day of the Dead) in their native birth city of Tulancingo. I am excited yet anxious to see them go. This weekend will be a very special celebration for my mom because she has not been back to Tulancingo to celebrate this traditional event with her family since her and my dad moved to the U.S. thirty seven years ago. She had always hoped her and I would go but for some reason or another we never made it happen. So when she told me last week she really wanted to go this year, especially because my grandma is getting older, I was happy to help them find their flights and that God allowed us to make this happen.
The last time my parents traveled together to Mexico was seven months ago – they left at the same time that my husband, daughter and I took our trip to Japan, thus I didn’t feel their absence as much because I was off on my own exciting adventure. But an odd feeling began to settle in me when I woke up from that dream. It awakened some thoughts that hadn’t surfaced in my mind at all in the last week. Naturally the worry began to settle in that hopefully all will go well and they will have safe travels. Plus another thing…
I’m going to miss my mom.
I usually talk to my mom daily. Or on the days where my husband, daughter and I are having family time I at least send her a text saying hello and that I love her. So of course as I lay there awake surrounded by the darkness of the night I began to let my thoughts wonder and things quickly went straight to what if something happens to them? As if I have any control over this. And the thoughts triggered a feeling of being alone. Because I began to think how my brother is in another state. My parents would both be gone. We don’t hang out regularly with my extended family, although I do keep a close relationship with two of my cousins. And while I have my husband, daughter, and little baby on the way, I couldn’t help feeling that sense of being alone even though I know I’m not. I know though that it’s really just me feeling vulnerable and the human nature of wanting to be in control over something that is completely out of my control.
I’m so glad I got out of bed though and decided to share this because my heart and mind feel less burdened by these fears and thoughts now.
Let’s hope this means I can get in a couple more hours of sound sleep before it’s time to take my parents to the airport.