I remember being at our Church’s Worship Team Christmas Party four years ago and as we sat there, new parents, with our 6 week old baby sleeping in her stroller my husband made a comment about just waiting for things to get back to normal. One of the ladies said to us that we would never have that again, that this was our “new normal”. She was so right.
Four years later and now with a 4 year old girl and a 10 month old baby girl, I realize that I had no idea “new normal” also meant a slew of emotions. Some better than others. The funny thing about these emotions or moments I share is that they aren’t static. What I feel at the moment these thoughts come to mind can be so completely different just a mere moments later. That’s the funny thing about the “new normal”. It’s ever changing and ever flowing.
I didn’t know that new normal meant some days feeling like a robot, as if going through the motions moment to moment because there’s sometimes so much going on in one moment that you don’t have the ability to absorb every single detail and enjoy every littl detail.
I didn’t realize this new normal meant sometimes not feeling happy and feeling guilty for not feeling happy, because honestly God has bestowed such blessings on us. Our marriage, family, healthy girls, shelter and food to keep us very comfortable. But there are those moments and sometimes I just don’t know where they come from. But they are there.
And then there’s the flip side of feeling not happy, it’s feeling deeply and so much. Of being completely flooded by love and thankfulness for the gift that are our girls. It brings with it such awareness of our blessings and its in those moments when I can truly take in every little detail of our daughters and my heart just overflows. Each moment brings with it a rush of ever changing thoughts and feelings.
I’m still not used to the new normal. I don’t think I ever will be. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this confused, happy, sad, elated, frustrated, patient, impatient, thankful, and so much more and sometimes all, in one day.
And it’s OK. I guess that’s really the tough part. Accepting that it’s OK to feel all this. To not let guilt seep in and take away the fact that I am a good mom and I’m doing the best I can.