Somewhere in junior high though something changed. I loved putting on the red shorts and matching red t-shirt and standing in line for roll call. I liked when we ran. But then came the real test. I became instantly uncomfortable during soft ball and basketball. I was so afraid of the ball coming at me. And it never failed, even when I would place myself in outfield during softball, because I thought, really which of these kids can honestly come close to hitting this far out? And they did, and without fail it always came in my direction. And I felt completely naked, as if all eyes were on me when that ball came rolling over.
Since then it’s been much of the same. I don’t join soft ball teams, you’ll never see me volunteer to play basketball at a park get together, and the most I’ve sort of stretched that fear is a few years ago when we had a family get together and everyone decided to play volleyball, and I actually participated.
So how funny and just positively pure sign from up above it is that one of the chapters in my Brazen book would be called “Yell for the ball”. Really God? Because really, I would just never.
Can you guess what question gives me that “fluttery anxiety inside”? You got it, “you have a blog?!” Or “you write?” Because always when I get asked that, rather than grab that ball with all the excitement and happiness that writing makes me feel, I instead almost want to hide and just brush off the question with a quick reply – even though I am so proud of my blog. I feel that need to hide because rather than taking it as an opportunity to share my love of writing, I instead put my focus on the fact that I’m about to feel exposed.
Why exposed? Because my writing is all about my thoughts and feelings, there’s no hiding behind anything, it’s just me out there to read. And because like Leeana herself was told, I’m afraid to claim my calling until I feel sure I’m good at it.
Claim my calling. Yell for the ball.
I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to take complete ownership of this passion God gave me. I want to share it proudly and feel comfortable knowing that the reason I can claim it is because God put this here for me and because of that it is already a success.