Life · Motherhood · Parenthood

Unfolding What Matters

Last night as I finally called it a day, I rolled to my left side and pulled up the covers around me; and in that second between feeling the comfort and warmth of my bed, I thought of my two girls sleeping soundly in the room next to me and I was filled with such an intense sensation. It was gratitude like I had never felt it before. It filled my entire body with such peace and comfort, to think in that moment, this is what I get to call my life. And I was overcome with emotion.

In these past two weeks since social distancing began in order to calm the spread of the COVID-19 virus, my usual busy routine of driving all over the place and running to school pickups and dance classes has dwindled down to a short drive to my part time job four days a week, and then picking up my girls at my parents house, and then heading back home. The occasional trip to the grocery store maybe once a week is the only deviation to this same routine. Some days have been harder than others as I adjust to this new normal of trying to make sure my girls get their school work done, setting up zoom dance classes for them, allowing our oldest to face time for a little bit with their friends, and walks with our dog or bike rides around the neighborhood. Some days I have been met with tantrums and push back from my 5 year old or pouty faces and reluctance to do an activity from my 8 year old. In the midst of it all, the feeling exhausted, adjusting to this new normal, and yes on one occasion even crying because of a particularly rough day, I have felt so many emotions. I deeply miss connection with the familiar faces I would see and interact with day to day, the ease with which I could just think let’s go here and we would go. But I am also learning that I like this new calm, this change in busyness to slowing down and finding time.

Spending time together as a family is not something new to us. We’ve always made that a priority for us. What is new is that because we can’t see anyone else and there’s no activity to rush off to, that time together can be enjoyed in a different way. There’s not that nagging thought in the back of my head that this or that needs to get done next. Because truly nothing has to get done next. Whatever it is, it can wait. We can take our time because time is what we have plenty of now.

Sometimes my mind will wonder how long this will go, what will April bring and will we continue the entire month with social distancing? As I have begun to unfold this new comfortable space and lack of rush, I wonder how will it feel when we are given the clear and can go back to our regular routines? Will the things I placed such importance on really still have the same significance and priority after having gone through this quarantine?

I think the more I can sit back now and reflect on what was, and of that what was, what was truly good…the more I realize what isn’t necessary. The quiet is unfolding a lot of light and reminding me what matters most.


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