My husband and I have often talked about how easy it can be for our mind to get lost in the darkness of negative ideas that frustrate or produce anxiety in us if left to unravel. How very important it is to not let yourself get lost in negative thoughts and have a healthy support system or way to get yourself back up.
I had a moment like that yesterday afternoon on my way to drop off Celeste at her ballet class. I had Elysse with me and she was a chatter box in the back seat as we left Celeste and I took the drive to Costco to get gas. I felt such a weight on me, and as I caught snippets of Elysse’s story, all I kept thinking was how tired I felt. All I wanted to do was drive home, lay in bed, turn off the lights and cry. Thinking about the fact that I needed to make dinner, then pick up Celeste, get the girls fed, and then shower them and get them ready for bed only made me sink more in the heaviness of my exhaustion.
As I drove into our garage I scrolled through my phone and didn’t know who to reach out to. I’m usually the one with the positive quotes, the optimism; and as I looked through the names of people I text with all I kept thinking was that I didn’t want to burden anyone. I felt alone and empty inside, and I needed so badly to cry and just be heard. I needed to brush this off so my daughter wouldn’t see the tears streaming down my face. She was so unaware of what her mama was feeling at that moment. And then I stopped on one of my friend’s name and I started to text her and I hesitated for a second and then hit send. I’m so glad I did. She immediately somehow knew the right thing to say and as I read her words I began to feel encouraged and I let some tears out while I cooked and Elysse was drawing on the dry erase board.
And then, I got a text from another friend who asked if I had a moment to talk. I imagined she needed support and so I hesitated for a second before I replied back ‘yeah, what’s up’ because I wasn’t sure if I could be there emotionally for someone else at this moment, and then I hit send. And that’s when I was reminded that God works in such wonderful ways that we don’t even know it. My friend was telling me about her new house they’re in escrow with and how so many things have turned into blessings for them and that she has been crying tears of joy wondering why God is blessing them so much. And she said she realized why, so that she could bless others and she called because she wanted to bless me and proceeded to tell me how. I burst into tears at that moment. I know it may seem silly to some, but if you can look at it from a different lens…just moments before I had been feeling so exhausted and alone without knowing who to reach out to. And then, in a matter of minutes God moved things in myself so that I would reach out to a friend rather than suppress my feelings away for the moment and he reminded me I am not alone, and then he sent me blessings through a different friend.
Between yesterday and this morning things have been a bit off for me. My mind has been jumping from one thought to another, some of them good and some of them not so positive. I don’t know if I’m mentally or physically tired or both; or what is missing inside me. As I got to work I had to will myself to get out of the car and walk in. I could feel my thoughts getting the best of me, and I was trying to figure out how I could shake off this feeling when I saw I was getting a call from my husband. The instant I heard his voice he made me laugh and realize how allowing myself to get lost in my thoughts can cause me to miss what’s around me.
What a friendly reminder from God of the blessings right in front of me, nearly missing these signs while I allow my mind to wallow away with negative thoughts. I have to remember that I am surrounded by my family as well as encouraging and supportive friends. It’s easy to think when we are struggling with something or not feeling our usual self that we are alone and that the answer may be to isolate ourselves. But the key isn’t isolation, that’s when we most need to reach out to someone to help us get through that moment and connect with God. Because you see in those moments where my two friends responded to me (one of them unexpectedly) and then my husband called, it was God reminding me through them that what I need is Him. That when I feel overwhelmed or tired or like my mind is losing the battle with some negative thoughts, all I need to do is reach out to Him and trust that He will put the right person in my path and remind me that He is there with me. Sometimes when we are feeling lost, we immediately turn to God and pray. But sometimes we don’t, and He gently finds a way to guide us to Him.