Life · Motherhood

I need to see a break in sight.

This quote accurately describes my current mood.

Every morning I wake up and I pray that I can have the patience and tolerance to handle my two kids and every morning I seem to fail. Especially with my 5 year old. Some days I’m able to brush it off but some days it hits me harder and I feel like a total failure. And that’s when if I’m not careful, all the negative thoughts come flooding in and convince me that I am not cut out for this.

I don’t ever wake up thinking “today I want to raise my voice at my girls, or lose my patience after the third time asking them to do something.” But it happens. I wonder what is wrong with me, why do I have such low tolerance. I question if there’s some kind of imbalance in me. I want so much to do well, and when I don’t I’m so hard on myself. I have a really hard time giving myself grace when it comes to being a good mom. I know these thoughts aren’t healthy but they sit there and dwell in my mind if I’m not careful.

There’s other factors too. My husband is away right now on a 96 hour shift, he’ll be home tomorrow. The last three days I feel like I’ve been going non stop getting things done and yet also like nothing has gotten done. Moms, you know that feeling when you’ve been doing things all day but then you look around and it feels like there’s nothing to show for it? It’s frustrating because you know and feel the weight of all you’ve gotten done, but it doesn’t show.

I’ve been juggling my girls emotions for the last 3 days without a break in between – meaning my husband being able to bounce in. I adore them both but I’m not going to lie, my five year old is a lot to handle. She is hard wired strong….she can be challenging, argumentative and oppositional. I bet you’re thinking she’s just a child, yes I know that, but when you have to handle all or even one of those strong push backs while trying to head out the door on time, pack lunches, make breakfast, pickup the mess, and now you’re set back 10 minutes you didn’t have to lose just to either calm her down, get her to listen and/or also make it a teachable moment. Well, f word.

I read a quote in a book about strong willed children. “Strong willed children grow up to be strong willed adults, and while yes it’s hard right now, one day that tenacity will serve them well when they’re adults. And that involves what we are doing now, training them up in the way they will go.” I hope one day I can see that blessing. Because all I sometimes see right now is how frustrating it is.

I need a break.

I hope that tomorrow when my husband comes home he’s not too exhausted from his 96 hour shift. Who am I kidding though, right? Because right now all I can think of is him coming home and me making a beeline out the door. But I know that won’t happen.

I’m hopeful though.

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