My dad is 73 and his health is declining.

I grew up adoring my dad and seeing him like a hero, someone who worked hard and always had my back.

Then when I was about 18 my dad made a series of decisions that shattered our family, broke our hearts and trust and left deep emotional scars. Our relationship never quite mended.

And then his health began to decline.

A year ago my dad could do most things for himself and now he is so frail. He needs help with simple day to day things that we take for granted, like grooming yourself, eating without assistance, getting out of bed, basically any task. He requires 24 hour care and supervision.

Today, I had a moment where I was feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated and I was standing in the middle of my parents living room spewing out all my feelings to my mom as tears filled my eyes, and my dad sat quietly between us in his wheelchair. I didn’t know how much of what I was sharing he could process or understand.

And then my tidal wave of words ended and my mom stepped away so we could help take my dad to the restroom.

I stood there alone next to my dad, and he looked up at me and reached his hand out to me with the most pleading and worried look in his eyes. And as crazy as this may sound, in that moment I was 10 again and I needed his comfort. His gesture spoke a million emotions to me in that single second and I reached my hand out and I said to him as I choked back tears, I know dad, and we hugged and I cried some more into his shoulder.

Watching a parent decline and deteriorate is so immensely hard. It breaks away at the walls your heart has built over time and teaches you to replace it with grace and compassion like nothing I’ve ever felt before.

My dad made a lot of choices that hurt our family and left some deep scars, so deep that before his health declined, all I could feel toward him most of the time was ice coldness. God is softened my heart toward my dad and showing me that when you see someone fade the way he is, it shifts your heart and fills it with love you didn’t know was still in there.

I don’t know how to end this, other than to share that I worry for him as much as I worry for my mom’s own mental and physical well being.

If you’re someone that prays and is reading this, please pray for my dad and my family, that God will continue to help us find peace in our heart and mind.