One day, around the time when Celeste was probably about 2 1/2 months old, I was messaging with my cousin and pouring my heart out to her on how overwhelmed and exhausted I felt and how miserable the first few weeks of sleep deprivation felt. Basically how warped my mind felt. I love talking to my cousin because I can be honest about the things I say knowing she’s not going to judge me, will usually know exactly what I mean because she’s been there, and also because in the end I always end up laughing. Always.
Well that particular day as I was typing away I suddenly had this realization and when I shared it with my cousin she exclaimed something about how right I was, I had hit the mark. And I don’t mean for this to sound as melodramatic as it probably will when I say this, and hopefully you’ll stick around to hear me out. I said to my cousin…You know, in a way I feel like I need to mourn the loss of the “me” that I was, because I realize now that person I was for so many years is never coming back.
I know what you might be thinking, very dramatic. But no, hear me out. You see, I figure, let’s say from the age of 20 I truly began to enjoy doing as I pleased and making most of my decisions in life solely on what I wanted or preferred – I was never a spoiled brat though, far from it. Well, for 16 years I pretty much lived my life as I chose. I came and went, on the most part, as I pleased, and in comparison to what I have felt since becoming a mommy, I realize now that I really had a pretty carefree life. Yes, even though from 20 – 36 I had some moments that were rather difficult and challenging, nothing, and I do mean nothing that I thought was stressful, tiring, or overwhelming even mildly compares to what it felt like those first few months of becoming a new parent.
A part of me wasn’t ready to let go of the pre-mommy me. I realize now that I’m a much better me and can’t imagine our life without Celeste, yet in those first few weeks, deep down inside, there was a part of me that didn’t want to let go of the me from 20 – 36. I remember one day in particular, probably around 7 weeks after giving birth, I was home alone with Celeste, my husband had gone back to work, and it was one of those days where I was going from one continous cycle of feeding, burping, changing diaper…feeding, burping, changing diaper, over and over. I was exhausted and cranky and went to the restroom and saw my disheveled look, my body looked warped, every part of me was aching and healing and I started to get tears in my eyes, and then, as I glanced in the mirror again I saw out of the corner of my eye the reflection of one of our wedding pictures from the wall behind me in the hallway, and I burst into tears. And I thought…where is that person in this new one? I was definitely not ready to say goodbye!
And yet what I’ve learned is that things do get better and here I am today, knowing that this is a new version of me now, a better version, and every day I’m learning something new about myself and loving the woman and mommy that I am becoming. And I thank God every day for the blessing of being a parent. And I realize that the person I was makes up who I am now and she’s there, cheering me on every day.
5 thoughts on “From Purse to Diaper Bag”
Recognizing that you don’t want to lose yourself is key.
Did you experience something similar when you became a mom? Now I understand my friends who were mommies before me when they would say they didn’t want to lose the “woman” part of themselves. It’s so key to balance the different roles.
I lost myself for years. It’s easy to do and can happen before you realize it. While life does change (and should) it doesn’t have to change who you were and still are.
The initial weeks for me were so incredibly difficult, I really had no idea what I was in store for. And I have to say, now that little by little I can do things I enjoyed pre-baby I know that I couldn’t do a lot of those things without my husband’s support. I don’t know how single mom’s do it, they deserve a medal.
When the little one arrives, diaper bags are a must. This can be anything from a bag specifically designed for this purpose to an oversized shoulder bag with a lot of extra compartments. The truth is that there is no universal rule for diaper bags and how they should look. In fact, they can be very stylish and even affordable.