Life · Motherhood

My biggest tug-of-war is with my old self

Do you know that feeling when you’re reading something and you think YES! YES!! And you sort of get this chill down your spine and your heart races a little because the words you are reading are so spot on your thoughts and the emotion is so intense you feel like you might explode if you don’t share it with the world and let it be known, this right here is how I feel.

That was me this morning after reading this article in the Huffington Post.

It was posted by Ergobaby on Facebook and it was so spot on for me.

Since becoming a mom my biggest tug of war has been with myself.

I remember this one moment in particular when our first born was less than 6 weeks old and I was alone at home. My husband had gone back to work and it had been a horrible morning. It was noon and I hadn’t bathed, well, let’s be honest I hadn’t even managed to change clothes, and spit up, poop explosions, and other disasters with our newborn were on repeat. Before noon.

I went to the bathroom during a quiet moment that she was napping, looked at myself in the mirror and just cried. Because I hurt everywhere – physically and emotionally. I didn’t know where my old self was. And then as if some sick joke of life, I happened to have the bathroom door open and as I took the focus away from my own image in the mirror what I saw reflected from the wall behind me was our wedding photo. I burst into more tears, the very uncontrollable ugly sobbing kind. I had lost that person and I didn’t know how to find her again, I had no idea how to get that smiling girl back. The one full of hope and excitement for the future.

Now, almost five years later and with our second baby just shy of a year and a half, I am still sometimes mourning my pre-mom self. And I feel exactly how this writer in the Huffington Post expressed herself. I love being a mom (most of the time haha). Truly I do though.

But in all honesty, I haven’t yet truly mourned the loss of my pre-mom self so that this new mommy in me can flourish and shine with the gifts that I bring in from the things I learned during my pre-mom days. And I get all choked up and teary eyed because I know that it is just me holding on tightly to that rope and not trusting fully in God and in this radiant person that I know I am.

Because truth be told I have a hard time with change and this has been the biggest change of my life.

I know that all I have to do is let go and amazing new things will come because God put me in this new season intentionally.

And this article really touched me because my biggest challenge to be able to let go is accepting this new person I am and that I love. Because like the author of the article shared, it’s the hardest thing to accept to myself because letting go means I will be without my comfort rope (the me I knew so well) that I have held on to for so many seasons. A rope I am familiar with and know so well because I know it’s texture and what it can handle and that it never broke…and this new rope that awaits me and desiring for me to trust and take, well, I’m afraid because I don’t know it. I don’t know her capability and her strength.  

But here is the beauty of it.  I know I am almost there.

Because this article touched a sensitive string in me, one that I’ve already heard God speak to me before, these almost exact words but slightly different. I’m reading this book called Brazen by Leanna Tankersley and there was a section I just read where it says basically to trust in God that this moment that I am living in as a mommy – the beautiful and the repetitive and the exhausting moments – are in fact where I am meant to be and where I am doing my greatest growth and change.

I can feel how close I am to making this breakthrough and fully embracing this beautiful new season in my life and trust and let go.

Little Steps

image courtesy of Google search

And thank you Anna Gannon for such an honest and beautiful post.


6 thoughts on “My biggest tug-of-war is with my old self

  1. To become somebody’s mother is a huge life affirming change. It’s the kind of thing that nobody can truly be prepared for. In between the constant demands you do find yourself mourning who you use to be, but the truth is you’re still you. The difference is that you love your children in such a profoundly big way that you feel like you’re not doing it in the right way. Looking back now I see that every repetitive action, every moment of self neglect & doubt, was actually proof of our ability to actually put another human beings existence above our own. This kind of dedication is immensely beautiful, and unfortunately unable to be seen by the beautiful, exhausted soul who is capable of such love. Hang in there it gets so much better. 🙂 G-uno

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, they were like listening to a close friend. And it’s true, I’m still me and I’m definitely afraid each day that I’m going about it all wrong. And I find that the more confident I feel in my abilities the more ready and happy I feel as a mom.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh so very true – I think us mums are very hard on ourselves and we sometimes forget that we are only human and we have to deal with so much. Small steps can make big differences. 🙂 Take care..

    Liked by 1 person

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