Life · Motherhood

If not Jesus, what then?

I woke up with a bit of a heavy heart today. I didn’t feel it though until after I had already dropped off Elysse at my parent’s place and Celeste at school.

I felt the heaviness as I drove out of the parking lot of Celeste’s school and because I knew what was coming I turned to my music playlist Uplifting Worship and played the song What a Beautiful Name. And as I sat there at the stop light of MacArthur and Fairview waiting to turn left, I felt the words and music flowing through my body and then the tears welling up in my eyes. I was on my way to work so I couldn’t just let the flood come, so I tamed the feelings back, only allowing them get to the rim but not spill over.

Some days it feels like it is all about holding back.

I am trying my hardest every day to be the best I can as a mom and wife, but each role requires different energy and attention from me and try as I might, I fall short. I cannot be there 100% for my kids and I can’t be there 100% for my husband, all the while that I’m also trying to be there for me. Because I cannot forget me. Me is part of the equation that Jesus used to ultimately make us, our family. Balancing this and being there the way they need me to be sometimes becomes my most challenging struggle. Because when I fall short in one area I feel guilty and not good enough. Even though I know that is a lie.

So when I feel that, I turn to Jesus because if I don’t turn to Jesus what I hear is doubt, lies, anger, and wanting to just give up and not care. I feel cold and distant when I don’t turn to Jesus. And what good will that bring me or my family?

This morning as I heard the first song What a Beautiful Name (Hillsong Worship) I could hear God trying to break through the sadness in my heart to let light in. If I was not heading to work I would have pulled over and just cried it out. And when the next song I Can Only Imagine (MerceMe) came on, I felt this flood of hope coming over me, and suddenly I was just a girl in a car singing her heart out. So that by the time Greater (MercyMe) came on, wow! I not only knew it, but gosh dang it I FELT it in my heart, the power of hope, of knowing that my God is more powerful than the negative feelings that rise up inside me when I let doubt’s lies make their bed within me.

So I ask myself, if I don’t turn to Jesus, what then? Do I allow the negative thoughts to build a dark cloud over me and then let that turn into anger and frustration that will just pour out into those around me? Do I allow myself to be pulled by that evil power? No. I can’t.

I fall short. I am doing my best. I am trying. Some days are better than others, and the difficulties of yesterday and the ones to come don’t define who I am as a mother, wife, woman. This balance is so hard. And the only person that can help me find it and be available in the capacity that I need to be is Jesus, when I turn to him. So I will always turn to him. Because if I don’t, then what?

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