I am a lonely voice in the dark.
Sitting here on our bathroom floor it hits me that I have become a line I once read in a book.
I am so emotionally and physically exhausted it feels like my body is floating. All I want to do is close my eyes and cry.
For some mom's the words I share my be unimaginable emotions, others will understand what I feel because they have been there too, and then there are those that might pretend to be appalled but they won't admit that deep down inside the thoughts have crossed their mind too. Sadly, if you're a man you most likely won't relate to a word I'm saying.
I am a person that craves touch and affection. To be held. And right now I cringe at the thought. I don't want to snuggle my girls or my husband. I don't want to be touched. I want to be left alone. I crave for a quiet space I can crawl into, like the protective shell of a snail, and just feel and do nothing.
Just because I am a woman does not mean that I don't get tired of being a mom. I do. I push myself and usually do fine for days and days, happily and in good spirit. Successfully guiding and coaching my girls along. Feeling proud of the invisible work I'm doing.
But then a night like today happens. When I desperately need to get away for 10 minutes to refuel, but I can't. When all I want is for the girls to fall asleep and instead one stays up beyond their bedtime. There is no one to tap my shoulder and say step out, don't worry, I've got this. Because it is my responsibility I keep pushing. Because as a woman I am supposed to just do my job and keep my mouth shut and carry on like a robot, even when I know the thin thread holding me together is quickly unraveling.
Some women never voice this aloud. Others do and are still not heard, and those that are, are judged and compared.
Sharing these feelings doesn't take away the fact that I love my family. My husband and my girls are my greatest blessing.
I shouldn't be made to feel guilty though for sharing these thoughts, because it's the actual written expression of these feelings that helps my soul mend on these nights that I feel like a lonely voice in the dark.
Thankfully the feeling is fleeting and soon replaced by love and hope, because I know tomorrow I gladly will put on my mom armor and take this family of mine into a brand new day.