So these are bits and pieces from a conversation I’m having this morning with my dearest cousin and it prompted me to share on here with you all.
cousin: so wtf is going on with yo? you? why the disorganized feeling? LOL
me: i don’t know!!! LOL. i feel tired today. i feel like i need a personal assistant to just tell me what’s next on my agenda LOL i feel like adulting gets in the way of parenting LOL
cousin: no shit man!
me: today i am feeling like work and $ shouldn’t exist. like food and basic survival things should be evenly distributed so that parents can instead focus on what matters, raising kind and capable adults out of our children.
cousin: LOL except there would be no reason for us to raise capable adults if $ and work doesnt exists HAHAHA
me: instead we have to try to do THAT major task along with all these other little things that build up to huge tasks that interrupt that job. there would be (reason for us). just to be kind and humane people. the world sure seems to need THAT!
cousin: it sure does
me: beans (this is the nickname we call each other) i seriously DON’T know where to squeeze in things anymore. i don’t know where to squeeze in being a wife, a mom, piano practice, relax time, reading time, writing time, any time. any thing.
cousin: sigh tell me about it. both my mom and suegra tell me that we are NEVER home, that we have that beautiful home and dont enjoy it
me: 😦 sometimes i feel like i’m spinning inside.
Anyone else feel this way? I’m sure we aren’t the only two people in the world that are feeling this way. And I know it’s just the overwhelming feeling talking here now, but I see it all around. I see how full and filled everyone’s lives can get and how busyness doesn’t equal happiness. It feels like anxiety.
It feels like what I’m doing now. Sitting at work but instead of working I’m writing this thing up thinking about the items that I need to tidy up at home. About all the little things I didn’t pick up. And my head is full of to do lists. Of laundry, of cleaning, of the cooking I haven’t done, of the piano lesson that I have to make sure Celeste gets in today because even though I have it written down on her weekly schedule when she’s supposed to practice, we hardly ever go by that list.
This is what I hear in my head right now… It’s my responsibility that Celeste practices her piano and that I make that happen, but then she also needs to have reading time, unsupervised play time, down time, and we need family time, dinner time, and relax time. All within the allotted time before we have to head out to her two dance lessons. Then we get home and I need to bathe them and prep them for bed and get them ready. All while our 2 year old is deciding on her own what she will and will not go along with, so often in between all these tasks that need to get done, I get thrown these little unexpected “sorry road closed, take the detour” moments from her – the 2 year old.
It’s not wonder my mind is spinning out of control.
My husband has banned me from getting any more books. Why? Oh because I have like 20 or so unread books. I used to have time for reading. I love reading. I’m lucky if I find time in a day to read. I can’t even find time to blog consistently, so who am I kidding?
Right this moment I feel like this overwhelming feeling is vile wanting to exit my body, but it won’t. I can’t let it just spill everywhere because then that just means one more mess to clean up and preventing me from completing my to do list.
But I tell myself my life and my kids life isn’t a to do list.
Sometimes my husband asks me “aren’t you tried?” Yes!!! Yes. I am very tired. Some days I look ahead at the day and think, oh my gosh, 8pm is so far away. And other days, I look back on the day and I am stunned at how well I got through it. Yes I’m tired. I’m not allowed to stop though. If I do, the parenting won’t get done. The responsibilities won’t get completed.
I need to breathe. To exhale it out slowly. What is it I tell my 5 year old? Oh yes… it’s ok to feel frustrated, now how can we solve the problem?
How can I solve this problem? Choose what’s important and work my way out from there. Count my blessings. Have a grateful heart.
This blog post is a bit of a mess because right now I’m feeling like a bit of a mess.
Welcome to what my life and brain sometimes juggles. Please, tell me I’m not alone.