Last night I sent a text to my husband expressing that it had not been an easy day. That our dog Biggie was a pill and the girls were little beasts. That I know I have a lot to be thankful for but that doesn’t mean that the days are a breeze.
My text was an extremely short cliff notes version of the day. Because yesterday, in the midst of taking care of a couple things for me, we also had a dance lesson, then rushing home with the girls with enough time to walk Biggie, then leave to make it to soccer practice…while all the while thinking in the back of my head we still need to figure out dinner and do bath time while also entertaining the idea that my husband (who is at work on a 72 hour shift) had asked if maybe I could bring the girls by the station.
I went to bed exhausted and not in the best of spirits; realizing that we are both tired and burnt out. And the following pages from Amber Lia and Wendy Speake’s book Prayer Scripts came to mind. I typically highlight pages in a book, but on this particular page pretty much everything in it applied to me and how I have felt in the last week or so, not continuously but enough times where it is on my mind. The guilt I’ve been carrying from the wrong I feel I’ve been doing, especially with my short tempered responses.
And as the pages below read, the grunt work of parenting has had me feeling less of the joy and more of the burden, and I was filled with guilt for having these feelings; because I want to feel and practice what this prayer scripture says. The reality is that parenting is hard work. It is grunt work. It is day to day good and tough and can be very trying and exhausting and the pressure and guilt I place on myself does no one any good. I want to make a better plan, for the good of my family and myself.
Because at the end of the day, what I most desire is to build my kids up, to encourage them and build confidence in them. I don’t want to be just a nagging person that is bossing them around. I want to make sure they know they are loved and that I truly take pleasure in being their parent at all times.
So I woke up this morning and as I was walking Biggie I began to do a grateful prayer. I started to name out loud the things I am grateful for. And the more I spoke to God and reflected on each thing I’m grateful for the fuller my heart got. And I began to get choked up and feel emotional. Because I realized God has blessed me abundantly. I remembered that decades ago when I prayed to him during my moments of heartache, I prayed for him to please watch over me, and in turn he answered my prayers by giving me blessings way greater than anything I ever imagined on my own back then.
I shared all this with my husband and told him that these are the moments I need to carry with me and remember when I feel frustrated, tired, and overwhelmed.
We are so immensely blessed and I don’t want to take for granted what God has given me.
So, that being said, I know it is hard. It is so much easier to dwell in our emotions or feelings when we are a bit down. But I won’t allow myself to become a victim to those thoughts or feelings because God is greater than my emotions and he reminds me of this daily. I just have to take a moment to listen.