This morning started off well and then my 5 year old had one grumpy moment after another until finally I had enough and I raised my voice at her. We hadn’t had a moment like that in a while…and of course this happened on the first morning of me taking them to school, just barely the second day back from Christmas break.
I felt awful.
We managed to barely make it to school on time and at least to pull the pieces together so that we still had warm goodbyes and kisses to give each other when she finally stepped into her classroom. We waved goodbye and I saw her tender eyes and then she went inside and I turned to walk away and tears welled up in my eyes.
The guilt of losing my cool and not being the adult and example I’m supposed to be.
I wrote a post about this feeling once…how I wake up with all the best intentions and sometimes things just don’t go well. No matter how much time I give myself, give them, or bite my tongue.
As I walked away all I wanted was to get to the car and take a moment to collect myself before driving to work, and find words that could adequately express how I felt at that moment.
When I first found this quote I wasn’t sure how the words “wrecks us” made me feel. I realized there was a reason those words made me feel uncomfortable, it’s because they speak truth. Motherhood isn’t all just pretty bows, sparkles and fun crafts. And motherhood isn’t the same for every woman, we are not all hard wired the same way and therefore we shouldn’t condemn one another for the shortcomings we see in another mom. Granted there are some horrible parents out there (male and female) but there are also parents that are trying their best day in and day out, and worrying about falling short or being criticized on top of the very hard job of being a mom, should not be one of the things on their heart.
Truth be told, motherhood did wreck me.
I was not the least bit prepared for the huge life change it brought and for a long time I kept clinging on to the woman I was and had been so comfortable with for 35 years of my life, even if she was flawed. Because I was familiar with her. I was not familiar with this new person building inside me and trying to find her way. I feel like in some ways, I am growing and building a new me alongside with my daughters. I feel like there is so much wisdom I can impart to them and also so much I am seeing and experiencing for the first time with them. This quote really does reflect it all… we are being made new. Stronger, wiser and especially more compassionate.
And when things don’t go well, I have to remember to give myself grace. To forgive myself and to also communicate with my daughters so they know that mommy was wrong too. To remind myself that my mistakes don’t make me less of a good mom. And of course, I believe that tomorrow will bring a new day and will lean into God to help me do better than today. 🙂