Guess what I went searching for on my podcast App a couple days ago? The topic of menopause. Yep.

I’m sitting here contemplating that in a little over 2 months I’ll be turning 47, and when I let the thought of that decade settle into my mind and heart, I’m quite honestly a bit surprised to be here. I don’t always feel 47, some days yes, but often I feel like “what happened to 30 – 45?”

I had my first daughter at 36 and my second girl arrived exactly one month before my 40th birthday. Wow. Let me tell you, when I was 18 and dreaming up how my life would be, my plans were completely off.

So I finally did the search because I realize that I could very well be in the early stages of pre-menopause. Let me pause while I gather myself as that sinks in. Yep, still in disbelief.

I still remember as if it were just yesterday when my mom went through menopause. Alone. Without another woman to talk about this with or lean on for support. She just had me. And at 30, I was in the bliss of a new season for me. As she battled terrible hot flashes (more on that in a moment) and going through her 50s, I was meeting my future husband, getting married, and having children.

The one thing I remember from my mom’s experience was her hot flashes. How suddenly they would come on and the times she would share with me that she would awaken at night with her sheets drenched in sweat. I remember praying that wouldn’t happen to me, when the day comes. It feels like just yesterday when her and I were sitting across from each other at her dining room table having a regular conversation, and then the next second she was sweating as if she’d just finished a 5k run. I’m not exaggerating. My eyes were wide and she said “wait until this happens to you!” I still pray it doesn’t.

So here I am, listening to podcasts and other women’s stories because I want to know what may or may not happen. Because each women’s story is unique and at the same time you’re not alone in the experience. The podcast that stood out to me was one where a lady named Rachel shared the rage she felt building inside of her and how her emotions and hormones really took a spin. That’s what I’ve been noticing lately. That every month, at that specific time, this rage builds in me and I don’t understand who this person inside of me is and I want to figure it out and find ways to calm those hormones.

So that’s what I’m doing as I raise my 10 year old and very soon to be 7 year old. This woman in me is ever changing, in ways I never imagined. And Rachel shared something beautiful at the end of her story. The importance of embodying the beautiful power that is inside each of us in the season we’re in. The strength and wisdom that comes with age and new seasons. That really resonated with me. Because as daunting as this new decade, that is a mere 3 years away for me, feels; I’m also fascinated by it.