Life

Feelings are not in control

It’s funny how from one instant to the next your emotions and feelings can switch so quickly.

This morning started relatively well. By the time both my girls were awake I realized that my oldest was a little bit sour, which is incredibly uncommon. She’s the one that 9 times out of 10 wakes up cheerful and ready to greet the day. She gets ready without me having to constantly remind her what to do next and she’s chatty. Not today. I was pretty sure I knew why she was a little quiet and sour but didn’t want to bring it up.

Last night she had asked me if she could maybe start school at 10am. I wanted to giggle when she asked me, because I thought to myself, wouldn’t that be nice if we could just start work or our responsibilities when we felt like it. I would love to be able to somedays say, you know today I’m going to start work at 10am and still leave at 12pm. But life doesn’t work that way. So I told her no, that she had to be at school when it begins, and left it at that. Clearly she reminded herself to be grumpy about it the next morning.

So I let her be and went on with my business of getting myself ready and all the things that have to get done in order for everyone to walk out of the house on time with breakfast, lunches, and books and all the things done. But seeing that her mood wasn’t shifting, I eventually asked her in a gently tone “Are you going to communicate to me why you’re quiet this morning, or are you going to continue to pout?”

That was all she needed, because then she was telling me how she felt sad and frustrated but didn’t really know why and I went to sit by her and embrace her in a hug. She got her feelings and thoughts out and then eventually everyone made it out the door.

Now here I was, with plenty of time left and I started to tidy up and the next thing I knew I was running incredibly late and I was so taken aback that the time had slipped away from me so quickly. That slowly spiraled into frustration and feeling overwhelmed because I couldn’t find the top I wanted to wear to work. And I know it sounds so silly, but sometimes it feels like all it takes is something so small or maybe it’s a ton of small things that suddenly just build up. My husband made it back home from taking the girls and I was still rushing around and I just felt like my thoughts were also spinning like a tornado in my head. As I bolted past him in a flustered state, I’m glad he said to me “I love you and take your time” meaning on my drive. I knew I would, but it was comforting to hear the reminder.

When I got into the car, I felt like I was in such a slump. And then I noticed one of my friends in our group Marco Polo chat (the app that lets you record video messages and hear them later or live) was recording a message. As I listened to her I felt the heaviness of my emotions, but I’m so glad I kept listening because her story she was sharing was making me smile and get out of my head. Then she brought up our plans to meet for dinner to celebrate my birthday and I must confess my first thought was, I need to reschedule. I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to go anywhere, I just am not in the mood to celebrate me; all the while simultaneously fighting against these thoughts were her words making me smile, like a gentle hand reaching out to me and saying “stop that thinking, and meet me here in this story I’m sharing”.

It was exactly what I needed. By the time I got to work I felt so much better.

Sometimes feelings and emotions want to get the best of you. And it matters so very much what you do in that moment. If you continue to fuel that negative energy or if you let something or someone bring you away from there. I have to remind myself that I will dictate where those emotions go and that they’re merely little slumps, but they won’t dictate the rest of my day. It’s what I try to teach my girls too.

Plus, I realize that I need to write more. I haven’t been pen and paper journaling either and I know that’s a very big part of why sometimes my thoughts feel like a jumbled mess.

That’s all for now, but I’ll be back again soon. I’ve got lots to share, particularly about the new addition to our home/family.

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