My emotions and my heart are all over the place tonight. I was reflecting on the past year and I suddenly just burst into tears, and the worst part is I feel guilty for having these moments. Because I know, trust me I know, that in the larger scope of things, everyone reading this and anyone not reading this is probably going through worse than me. But today, to me, it feels big.

I feel as if I have this big ball stuck in my throat and it hurts, it burns, and my eyes are full of tears that I am holding back from spilling out; because I’ve already cried and yet I still feel like I could cry more. I don’t know what this darn season is but I am already done with it, I don’t want to keep feeling this way. I am 3 months away from turning 50 and the rise and fall of hormones and emotions are no joke.

I don’t know if I’m in peri-menopause or what, but in so many ways my body feels foreign to me and my hormones take me for the worst trips, especially when my cycle hits me. I feel like I am back to when I had my first girl when I was 36 years old. For all those years prior to being a mom I knew every change in my body, and then I had my first baby and I suddenly didn’t recognize myself and my emotions were a wild rollercoaster ride. And then I had my second baby and that was another wild ride until finally I found a new rhythm and I became familiar with this new and different side of me, and just as I was getting adjusted, here I am back to this same foreign place in the walls of my own body all over again. My once consistent and reliable body is playing games with me again and sometimes I feel so out of control and confused.

This year my heart has also been fractured by people that I love or care deeply for. People that I have accepted and loved for who they are without reproach or wanting to change them, and yet, when I have fallen short they have had no problem either tossing me aside for the new best thing in their life or they have decided that while I am forbidden from uttering one negative word toward them, they have a right to point out my flaws and whatever hurtful words they need to release. I bet some of those people would even say I deserve it. Maybe I do, I don’t know. I have never professed myself to be perfect or always right, far from it. I know I am flawed, I know this so much that it’s why I cling to God for strength, love, forgiveness, and acceptance. It’s why I seek him.

It’s because of Him and his unfailing love for me that I cling to hope and faith. I trust Him because He has shown me His love and grace time and time again, even though I have failed Him often. I accept these moments that I feel because I know that in the end, He pushes through my thoughts and reminds me that I am not alone. I could not get through any of these challenges without Him, and my God always shows me to the light and He strengthens me. He sends me reminders of all the blessings I am grateful for.

The biggest of these blessings are my husband and my two girls. At my worst, they remind me that I am loved and appreciated and that I am a good woman and mom.

Last night as I prepared their school snacks and lunches, I got to hear their giggles coming from our bedroom as they played with their Papa and nothing could match the joy I felt in my heart to be able to experience that moment. And then God surprised me even more when at bedtime, as my husband kissed them goodnight, our oldest who is just a week and a half from turning thirteen, said to him “I’m so glad we got to play with you Papa” and I thought my heart would burst from the complete love and joy I felt. God reminds me He is present.

So yes, sometimes my body and my mind play tricks on me and take me for a rollercoaster or my heart may get hurt, but God, He is always there to catch me and to whisper in my ear that He is above any of those moments that may seem big in my heart/mind but He is bigger than any of that and He can take me through the dark moment and into His light. I just need to continue to follow him there.

God is my fourth man in the fire, time after time.