I was texting with a close friend of mine today and I was reminded of the very first time I heard Celeste’s heart beat at our first ultra sound. I remember feeling a happiness like nothing I had ever experienced in my life. The hope and fear all mixed into one big wave of utter joy.
Celeste is now 4 years old and we’ve since welcomed our second baby girl, Elysse, who will be 11 months in a week. I had forgotten about that special moment when you hear your baby’s heart beat for the very first time. When you feel her flutter inside of you and the word “amazing” just doesn’t do it justice. It’s truly a miracle of life.
I’ve been a mom for almost 5 years now. I don’t think there has ever been a time in my life when I’ve felt so insecure, scared, confident and overjoyed. Sometimes even all at once.
I’ve had some really emotional moments where I’ve questioned why God thought I would be a good person to make a mom. And who am I to question God, but I have wondered. Because sometimes people will say hurtful things or question your capability or belittle your efforts and it plants a seed of doubt in your heart.
And today I finally realized, yes, I am flawed. I am flawed as a human, as a woman, as a mom. And it is in my imperfection that God knew that I needed to be a mom. Because he knows me deeply.
For the longest time I was stuck and not truly seeing my worth and value as a mom. He’s helping me see it more and more. I know that I am doing the best that I can. I am proud of myself and I know that God is proud of me too. At the end of the day, there will always be people that will criticize, and that’s fine. I’m not here to prove anything. I am here to fulfill what God saw in me, what he knows I am capable of, and I know now that I was meant to be a mom. This was no mistake. I matter and so does the love and imprint I am leaving on my girls.
I matter. We all do.