Life · Motherhood

About a parent: My mortality 

I have a bad habit of not really posting consistently when life things come up and then I find myself having to recap a few weeks back to bring myself up to date in order to write about what I want to share. 

A few weeks ago my husband and I had a body scan done because they were offering it at a very good cost to all employees and dependents of his work. For the sake of not turning this into a novel I will say the entire experience was amazing. The scan was from the neck down to the pelvis area. It is both the most amazing and scary feeling to be looking at your internal organs while a doctor tells you in great detail how things are looking and what to get double checked. 

I was so immensely relieved to find out I’m doing relatively well, actually pretty darn great. With the exception of a mass he could see in my thyroid, some small nodules in my lungs (say what? I don’t even smoke), and some lower back issues. 

After the scan both my husband and promptly made an appointment with our PCP. In the end she decided the mass in my thyroid was something to look at with more detail and scheduled me for an ultrasound. I went in Thursday and it reminded me of the times I was there during my two pregnancies. It’s the suckiest feeling to be sitting there and hearing them type away and have no clue what they’re seeing and just praying all is normal. After the exam she had me talk to some lady over the phone and I was scheduled to see an endocrinologist. Thankfully they had an appointment available the next day. 

So Friday I’m sitting in the office and the doctor comes in and after some questions and re examining my thyroid he tells me that the mass is 3cm which they consider medium size. He said it’s most likely benign but the only way to rule out anything cancerous or tumor related is with a biopsy. At some point I swear I begin having a sort of out of body experience as I try to process all the info so I can share it later with my husband, and plus hearing scary words like cancer and tumor. No one ever wants to hear that uttered in a conversation about ones own health. 

The thing about me when I’m nervous is I get even more pleasant and all smiles. It’s my way of giving myself a mental hug and reassurance that all will be okay. So naturally I am like a warrior on a white horse and ask in my most cheerful voice how does it work to get the biopsy done. I nearly fall off my chair when he says he can do it now. I literally blurt out “oh wow!” It takes me a second and of course I say lets do it then. I’m nervous as hell and sweetness is just oozing out of me. 

The process itself was so quick. He had to numb the area and then poke me with a needle 3 times. The first one hurt like a mother and the remaining two went over smoothly. Unfortunately the results take a week to get back. 

And I was doing great during the day on Friday, just letting it all sink in. It didn’t happen until 2:00am when Elysse woke up. As I held her a few minutes to soothe her and kissed her cheek, the fear crept in because I thought, what if it’s not benign. What am I going to do? And it was in that moment that I truly realized my own mortality. That what if I’m not around X number of years to see their milestones and just be there as their mom and support system? 

I went to our bedroom after she was asleep again and I cried. And I prayed to God. I know that while it can be difficut I just need to place this in God’s hands and let him be my strength. Let him be my love and strength until I get the results back, and then we go from there. 


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