I was a bit hesitant to share the following experience this morning but decided since my blog is “thoughts in my heart” and I’m not some abnormal creature that only has happy and positive thoughts, it’s only appropriate that I be honest with myself and fellow readers. Plus since the experience lingered in my thoughts and affected my state of mind, I think it’s worth sharing.
Last night I went to my parents house and feasted on so much food that I passed out on the couch and woke up 15 minutes before midnight. Those that know me well might say that it had nothing to do with my excess food consumption but rather the fact that I can not hang when it comes to staying up late. I’m a morning person, not a night owl. We were all hoping my dad would make it home in time from work, and he did, and just 2 minutes before the famous 2011 ball drop I rose from my slumber to pick up a frame I had accidentally knocked over with my hand. It was at this moment that my dad decided to make a comment that I am gaining weight. Ouch, and hello, where did that come from? As if that wasn’t enough he decided to give one final poke by adding that I wasn’t doing anything was I (meaning working out). Okay, now I was annoyed, and yes, my ego was hurt. My triumphant come back was a dry “if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all”. I allowed my emotions to take over and allowed myself to feel hurt and put off. Where was my zen mind? Why did I allow such an obviously untrue comment get to me?
Now mind you I am by no means gaining weight and up until the moment that evening when I consumed so much food that I felt I had eaten a whole cow, I had been feeling great about myself. I was even feeling pretty proud because earlier that morning I had gone for a jog with my girl friend and since beginning to work out consistently again well over two months ago, I have been feeling great about my body and weight. It’s interesting though how insecurities and fragile relationships can make you react a certain way. This morning I was still thinking about my dad’s comment. I couldn’t understand why, of all things he could have said to me, that was what he came up with, especially when we don’t joke that way. I began to create this drama in my mind which again brought me back to meditation because we talked about this topic in zen one day, how we allow our emotions to take over and we re-create a scenario that only further fuels our anger, hurt, etc. Now that I’ve let the situation sit for awhile in my mind and let the feelings of hurt/insecurity flow out of me, I can laugh at what happened and realize that while my dad’s intention at a joke was rather off, I know that he didn’t mean any harm. I mean honestly, how many times have I stuck my foot in my mouth?
While last night all I could feel was hurt and rejection toward him because of that comment, this morning I realize that at times, because of the fragile relationship that my dad and I have, I am sometimes less willing to be forgiving of him when I interpret one of his comments as hurtful. And yet if a similar comment would have come from someone else whom I can joke with in that way, I would have just let out a big laugh and played along.
And the thing is, I love my dad and I do want a better and closer relationship with him, I just need to be willing to allow him and myself that opportunity at a new beginning.