I should be working on my research paper that is due on Thursday but instead I am sitting here needing to write because I feel like the emotions I am having right now are like fingers wrapped around my neck, choking me slowly. I am almost scared to put this out there because I am afraid of disclosing something that people won’t understand.
I am two weeks away from finishing my last semester of college and earning my Bachelors Degree in Sociology, and as I am sitting here begging my brain to concentrate on my research paper, I am becoming anxious by the emotions I am feeling. I shared with a close cousin of mine that lately I have been feeling anxious, thinking that I keep asking everyone I love to understand that I can’t give them all the time I would like to right now (husband, daughter, my cousin, family, friends) and I get worried that what if in two weeks time it’s too late. I’m scared something will snap in one or all of the above persons and they won’t be there when I’m finally done and able to give more of my attention and time. I realize that this may be morbid or weird. And maybe it’s just me projecting my own fears and insecurities about being near the end of my educational goal and wondering if I will truly get there, and also because I am scared of what’s to come. I have been in school since kinder and all that is about to come to an end and I’m scared about the fact that I don’t know what comes next.
My biggest fear though is asking all these very important people in my life to please wait, to just bear with me these last two weeks, that I know it hasn’t been easy, that it sucks, to please just hold on for a little longer and then I will have more time. And I am scared, thinking how I can’t predict the future, and what if something happens and that time I kept reaching for and seeing around the corner just never comes. And I sit here crying silently knowing that I am so close and yet fearing at what cost it has been to get my BA, even though I am at the same time proud and happy to be reaching this goal.
And so I let the tears out and I begin to feel the release of those fingers and I think, maybe I am just stressed out and freaking myself out. I just need to remind myself that it will be okay, that God is with me and I can handle anything with him at my side.