Vulnerable and Humbled

The last few weeks I have begun to have moments at work where I feel very vulnerable about my job security, and it’s something I have never really felt before at any previous job.

My last job before my current employment was working for a small steel construction company. I started to work there at age 22, just a couple of months before my 23 birthday, and I worked there for 15 years and 8 months. To say that I had job security at this previous job would be an understatement. I was good at what I did and I ran the office and was my boss’ right hand.

Then last year in July I decided to take a HUGE leap of faith and take a job offer I was given as, at the time, Program Manager for the non profit I was doing my internship at. My intention was to assume to role of Program Manager and work full time once I finished my last semester at CSULB and earned my Bachelor of Arts in Sociology.

However, as I saw my then 1 year old daughter grow more and more, I realized that my family was more important than working full time and dedicating myself to that position. Before the semester ended I spoke with my direct supervisor and shared with her that I could not in fact work full time. It was a very difficult conversation for me to have with her and I was very relieved when I found she was very receptive and said that I was a very valuable asset to the organization. So she spoke with our CEO and VP, and my supervisor shared with me that they definitely would keep me on as part time and understood my family came first.

While I immensely enjoy the opportunity I get each day to interact with clients and volunteers of all walks of life, there are unavoidable changes going on amongst our staff that cause me to feel very vulnerable and like i am in limbo.

Each staff member is assigned goals at each yearly review or at the onset of their job…and I have yet to be given any tangible goals. While I was given the job of supervising the donation and processing center and to conduct all volunteer training, aside from other Program Coordinating duties, I have no reachable goals. The way I see it I am simply assigned a task to complete.

For some time there had been word floating around that my supervisor is looking to hire someone to work the days I can’t work. And just recently I found out she is actually looking to hire someone full time.

I am no dummy, and so I wonder, how can it be profitable for a non profit organization to hire another person with the same title as myself full time and keep me as part time?

And so I find myself feeling vulnerable. Something I have never felt before at any previous job. It’s a very humbling experience to feel this way because I am very happy with what I do and the experience I am gaining being in the field of social services, yet at the same time it’s an uneasy and unfamiliar feeling to be thinking “are they going to get rid of me?”

It’s scary and makes me feel very vulnerable. I know that it is something out of my control and that worrying won’t do me any good and yet it’s what I find myself doing at times. And so as I am feeling uneasy I am working on having faith and trusting in God and knowing that whatever happens God will place me where I need to be.


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