Nothing good can possibly come of writing at 10:20pm after more than an hour of trying to put my 5 week old to bed and failing miserably. But I think every mom should be allowed a rant, especially at the 5 week mark when sleep has gotten slightly better, but let’s face it, I’m still sleep deprived and volatile and thus ready to break down at a moments notice.
So today’s post doesn’t really come from a happy oh-joy-of-motherhood place. Today it’s finally time for crazy mama to show a bit of herself. And if you’re a mom, and you’re honest with yourself, you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s that overly emotional and slightly crazy lady you have inside of you that you never knew existed until you had a kid, or two or three. It’s that woman that comes out during a rant and you think “whoah! What the F, where did she come from?!” And usually it’s not one of those proud mama moments you want to boast about. Again, you’re more shocked that other side even exists and how do you get that mama from showing her nasty self again. I wonder if she ever fully leaves.
It’s in those moments when I think, why oh why didn’t I get my tubes tied when I had the chance? I’m not going to lie, right now I have a really huge fear of getting pregnant again because I don’t want to relive any of the bad that I’m currently going through. I’m over the sleep deprivation, the sore vagina, the emotional mood swings, and at best I am tolerating breast feeding.
And not to mention all the insecurities. Of feeling like a complete failure, that I’m not cut out for this because I don’t have the patience or the tolerance.
But then I hear other mom’s struggles and feel their empathy and I realize that this too shall pass.
I love being a mom and I am thankful to God for giving me this opportunity. It’s just that sometimes it can get overwhelming and the self doubt digs in and it doesn’t help that all that gets mixed in with the sleep deprivation and parenting challenges that come up.