I tend to over think things. Especially bad moments or experiences. I tend to replay them over and over in my mind trying to figure out where things went wrong. Which is ok, but also at the same time futile.
It’s ok when the thinking brings new light to a situation, but futile once it becomes over thinking that just takes up unnecessary space in my head, especially when the situation is done with and can’t be changed.
We had our yearly gala at work this past weekend and overall the event was a huge success. We raised over 125,000 and all this goes back to help fund the services we provide to our clients. So I should be elated, and I am, except for one minor thing. The area I was in charge of, the silent auction, turned into a hot mess in the end.
This year we used a different auction company and also rather than hand out the items while the guests were sitting at their table, this year it was decided the items would be passed out once the event ended and guests started to leave. Well minutes before the event ended we still had not gotten all the receipts, and long story short, we quickly had a very long line of guests wanting to claim their prize.
Some had receipts, most didn’t, others insisted they won something but it wasn’t listed on their sheet, some had different numbers than what we had, and many wanted to leave asap. Since not all the receipts came out at the same time, we had two different stacks that we eventually had to merge because it was too crazy sorting through two stacks. I could go on. And I could just blame the auction company because so much of the mess started with them and what they didn’t do right.
But what is lingering and nagging inside my head are those thoughts which I can’t hide and I can’t lie to myself and just blame the auction company. I’m usually real quick at thinking on my feet when the sh$& hits the fan, but not Saturday. I was so fixated on one thing – getting signed receipts from everyone claiming their won item, that I didn’t stop to look past that.
My mind has been a jumble of “why didn’t I…” And I keep going over the transpired events over and over in my mind. Not to the point that it’s totally invaded all my thoughts, but enough where I know it’s taken too much of my time worrying about it and being hard on myself. I feel like I failed and like I had absolutely no control of my department and just looked foolish. That’s been the hardest part. Feeling like I failed and feeling foolish.
And so I’m trying real hard right now to let this one go and to accept that what happened happened and I need to just leave it in God’s hands and let him help me heal this ego burn.
As I was nursing our baby I thought of what I’ve been feeling since the unfolded events of Saturday and the thought came to my mind that I need to be okay with this and let it go and love myself and be proud of myself. It’s what I would want my two daughters to be able to do in life when they are faced with their own moments of failure and to know the answer is in looking toward God, and be humble enough to realize they are not in control. Just like I am not in control.