August was one of the most difficult months for me since the birth of our second baby, Elysse. I was under a lot of stress that had a really bad affect on my nursing.
I thought plugged ducts were bad but nothing could have prepared me for the burning sensation and stabbing pain I felt shooting to my nipple. In a 15 day period I felt this horrid sensation on 7 separate random days. To the point that try as I did to conceal how much it hurt when the pain came on, I eventually ended up sobbing and in the fetal position. It’s a true testament to my desire to nurse Elysse until she’s one because there were several times I almost ran to Target for formula. But thankfully I didn’t.
Well, it turns out a big cause to my breast pain was stress related. And it had to do with some big changes at work.
I’ve mentioned on a few occasions how much I love my work and what the organization does. And that’s why the plot twist unwinding right before my eyes was so hard on me physically and emotionally.
When the fiscal year came to an end my supervisor sat down with me and told me that my title would be changing and with it came a $4 drop in my pay rate. I was dumbfounded. Even now as I think back to that day it’s like a blow to my chest. Long story short, I talked to my husband and I wrote out a list of all the reasons why such a huge pay cut was ludicrous, sat down again with my boss, but unfortunately the budget was set and that was what the new position offered. I decided to stick around and start looking around at other options.
But what couldn’t be ignored was that we were losing money. That huge pay cut meant that my mom, who watches our girls while I’m at work, was making more money than what I was bringing home.
I was devastated. I loved going into work and the relationships I had built. But I felt embarrassed and humiliated by the pay I was now making. Especially because since joining the organization I was more skilled, experiencd, and my versatility and flexibility to learn and work in any department was unparalleled. My work morale took a complete nose dive and at times I felt such anger over the whole situation.
My husband brought up staying at home. That led to some difficult and heated discussions. And not because of the message itself but more the delivery. From both my end and his. I was emotionally drained and overwhelmed and I cried and prayed to God to guide me, and cried and prayed some more. I was so torn and scared. Scared because I was thinking of something – being a stay at home mom – that I never would have envisioned for myself. I’ve worked since I was 15 and this new path scared me. A whole lot.
And the more my husband and I talked and the more I prayed, the more I heard God’s desire and assurance that I would be okay. But I wasn’t ready. And I would ask some of my neighbors that are stay at home mom’s how they felt and of course they would tell me it took adjusting but in the end they are so thankful for the decision they made. I would silently talk to God and say “yes I get it I know where you’re trying to lead me…but I’m scared.”
My husband and I had one final talk about the topic and I finally felt at ease and made my decision to resign from my job. It was one of the hardest decisions I made and I have God to thank for helping and guiding me. I was ready. And the words my husband said to me, to try it for 6 months and if I didn’t like it or it didn’t work out then I could go back to working part time, helped me know that we had gotten past a difficult hurdle.
My last day was September 16th and as I sit here typing this I can honestly say that I am glad I heard God’s whisper and took this chance. It’s only been a week and I know that there will be some difficult times, but I know that right now there is nothing more valuable than the time I am able to give to our girls and that my husband’s hard work is able to make this possible for us.
I love to reflect at random moments in my life where I was a year ago and where I am now. I never would have imagined this place I’m at now a year ago, and I sure am thankful for plot twists, and for God knowing where I am meant to go and grow.