On Tuesday, January 19th Elysse turned 1 and on the morning of Wednesday, Janaury 20th I nursed her for the last time. I felt a little sad that day, but the realization and wave of emotions didn’t come until tonight.
As I sat in our usual rocking chair and I held her in my arms and held her bottle she gently placed her little open palm on my hand and it reminded me of when she would be nursing and she would lay that little open palm on my breast as she ate. And then the tears started to flow because it finally hit me that I would no longer feel that again. So as I wean her off the breast milk and she holds onto the bottle I gently kiss her forehead and her temple so that she feels my warmth and my love. And I weep.
Nursing was really really painful for me and there were times I was at the brink of giving up. I hung on though and I made it to her 1st birthday as I prayed I would.
And I think about impermanence. How nothing stays the same. As much as I looked forward to this day and no longer suffering from the excruciating pain that was often nursing for me, there were also many pain free moments where we connected and bonded in such a special way and I felt so proud to be able to provide this nurishment to our baby.
There are many of these moments that I know will come to an end and since this is our last baby, that I know I’ll never experience again. And it’s ok, it’s just part of life.