Life · Motherhood

The keeper of my thoughts

thoughts

There are some days that the exhaustion I feel enveloping my entire body is more than I can handle. I feel anxiety rising from my belly to my throat and it’s as if a hard canon ball is just sitting there in my throat, stuck with no way of getting out, and I feel I may just come undone.

That was my thought this morning as I drove off with the girls in the back of the car to drop off Elysse at my mom’s and Celeste at school before heading into work.

My eyes started to water a bit as I thought to myself how some days it is never ending. I end the day physically and mentally exhausted. Frustrated because yesterday and today I didn’t have a chance to do my workout, not even a moment to sit alone with myself for 10 minutes and read. Between sweeping, mopping, tending to the girls needs and fits, making sure they eat, getting them ready for bed, picking up the mess we had outside from play time, washing dishes, and then having to scrub away all the paint stains from the cement floor outside, I was physically and mentally done. And then to find myself at the end of the night when everyone is finally asleep with the realization that it’s now 10:30 pm, because again for the millionth time I am so exhausted I fell asleep as I lay there in bed with the girls waiting for them to fall asleep. I want to read, journal, do something for myself. But I also want sleep. So instead my eyes are wide awake and eventually I cry as I talk to my husband because some days I just can’t handle it anymore. I am not a machine. I get tired. I need some time for myself too.

In a matter of just seconds I think all these thoughts.

And then another thought comes in, like a whisper barely audible with all the other loud negative thoughts that are simply pushing me further into the depths of frustration.

Am I going to let this thought determine the direction of the rest of my day? It could easily be done. Because the more I think about all that needs to get done and all I don’t have time for, it’s like sinking slowly.

So instead I took a deep breath and thought, no, I don’t want this feeling to define the rest of my day. It’s so easy to sink in the depths of what we consider despair, but what good does that do? It doesn’t make life easier or enjoyable. Yes, it gets overwhelming, yes it seems like the time available to do things just slips by or frustration can get the best of any of us. But that’s not how I want to live. And it’s not going to help me either.

I made a conscious decision to not let my thoughts take over and it felt good to see my mood and posture change as I did that. And then, as I turned onto the last stretch of my drive to work, the song Good Good Father from Chris Tomlin came on the radio. It is one of my favorite songs. It reminded me that God knows what I need before I even know it or say it. It’s why he sent me that whispered thought, it was him telling me, it doesn’t have to stay this way, there is a way to feel better but you need to listen. I’m so thankful I did.

 

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